The Corrupt Ugandans Association (CUA) has announced a nationwide refresher course for its members following a worrying rise in arrests, leaked videos, and—most alarmingly—successful convictions.
Speaking at the opening ceremony, association officials admitted that recent developments had exposed “dangerous lapses in professionalism,” with some members being caught red-handed, recorded in high definition, or failing to properly misplace key documents.
“This is not the image we want,” said one senior member while adjusting dark glasses indoors. “Corruption must be done with discipline, patience, and respect for established procedures. Sloppiness embarrasses the entire industry.”
The two-week refresher course will focus on restoring best practices, including Advanced Cover-Up Techniques, How to Appear Innocent on Television, and Proper Use of Relatives in Asset Registration. A special emergency module titled Avoiding Cash, Envelopes, and WhatsApp Evidence has also been added.
The training follows several high-profile incidents in which association members were filmed accepting bribes, signing suspicious contracts, or discovering—too late—that their phones were not as loyal as they thought.
Organisers expressed particular concern over members who allowed investigations to reach court, calling convictions “a total failure of mentorship.”
“Being investigated is acceptable. Being arrested is unfortunate. But being convicted? That shows a lack of commitment,” one facilitator explained to nods of agreement.
According to the association, over 80% of its members continue to operate successfully without interruption, but the remaining few have threatened the reputation of the profession by forgetting basics such as plausible deniability and selective memory.
To prevent further embarrassment, the refresher course will also cover Strategic Apologies, Temporary Stepping Aside, and How to Return Stronger After a Commission of Inquiry.
Participants were advised to take the course seriously, warning that future negligence could result in sanctions such as public hearings, social media ridicule, or being named in reports that people actually don’t read.
The association concluded by reassuring the public that corruption remains “firmly under control” and that lessons learned from recent convictions would help members adapt to the evolving enforcement environment.
“Corruption is not going anywhere,” the spokesperson said confidently. “We’re just covering our tracks upgrading skills.”
