Naguru, Kampala – A routine hair braiding session turned into a profoundly disorienting experience for local accountant Brenda Nakitto on Tuesday, when she discovered that the salon she patronized employed stylists who performed their duties with a shocking lack of consequential gossip.
Nakitto, 34, had scheduled a two-hour appointment at Tuskys Hair Haven expecting the standard package of hair treatment and neighbourhood intelligence. However, she soon realized that the two stylists assigned to her were communicating solely about hair tension, gel application, and the price of onions, leaving a critical information vacuum about the whereabouts of a local councillor’s new car or the source of their manager’s recent wealth.
“The silence was deafening,” Nakitto told our reporter, still visibly shaken. “For the first forty-five minutes, all I heard was, ‘Pass the comb,’ and ‘Your hair is so soft.’ How is that acceptable? I left that place with beautiful cornrows but no new information about who is dating who in the estate, or why Mama Fina’s kiosk was closed last week. I feel like I have been cheated out of a fundamental part of the hairdressing process.”
The salon’s manager, Prossy Nalwoga, confirmed the incident but defended her staff’s conduct. “We are trialling a new efficiency model where we focus on the client’s hair, not their neighbour’s business,” Nalwoga explained, while nervously shuffling a stack of client cards. “Our data suggested that gossiping can increase braiding time by 15%. We are simply optimizing for throughput.”
When pressed on whether this new policy considered the client’s psychological need for ambient drama, Nalwoga conceded, “We may have overlooked that KP.I.”
A source within the salon, who spoke on condition of anonymity for fear of having her scissors confiscated, revealed that the silence is not a natural state for the staff. “It is very difficult. We are bursting with information we cannot share. Just yesterday, I saw the LC Chairman with a woman who was not his wife buying airtime at Shell. The pain of holding that inside while doing a blow-dry is a occupational hazard we are not prepared for,” the source confessed.
Social commentator and self-proclaimed expert on Ugandan social dynamics, Dr. Felix Ssebagala, weighed in on the phenomenon. “The salon is the modern-day village well. It is the epicentre of information dissemination and social cohesion,” Ssebagala said. “To remove gossip from the experience is like serving a rolex without the eggs. You are left with just a chapati—a hollow, unsatisfying shell. This woman did not just get her hair done; she underwent a deeply traumatic event of social isolation.”
As for Nakitto, she is now seeking a new salon and has filed a formal complaint with the hypothetical Uganda Salon Critics Association. “I need a place that understands the assignment,” she stated. “A good hairstyle is temporary, but the gossip you receive is forever.”
