Kampala, Uganda – In a shocking twist of fate, Uganda’s thriving community of money lenders and loan sharks has expressed deep disappointment over their exclusion from the upcoming papal election following the passing of Pope Francis.
Sources confirm that local loan sharks—known for their generous 300% monthly interest rates and gentle debt collection methods—had already begun preparing financial packages for cardinal-electors, hoping to “facilitate” the selection of a new Pope.
“We Had a Business Model Ready”
One visibly distressed money lender, Honest Katamba (not his real name, for legal reasons), lamented, “Do you know how much money we could have made if cardinals needed quick loans to ‘campaign’? We even had a special ‘Holy Spirit’ loan package with flexible repayment terms—miraculous forgiveness after 40 days!”
Another lender, who operates near Kampala’s taxi park, added, “These Vatican people are missing out. In Uganda, even church elections need facilitation. Why should Rome be different?”
The Vatican’s “Unfair” Election Rules
The disappointment stems from the Vatican’s strict rules on papal elections, which inexplicably forbid bribery, extortion, or last-minute “financial motivation” for votes. This has left Ugandan lenders confused and offended.
“How do they expect a fair election without some behind-the-scenes ‘support’?” asked a loan shark who preferred to remain anonymous, possibly because his business license reads “Mobile Financial Spiritual Consultant.” “Back home, even bishop positions require a small… investment. Rome needs to modernize.”
Alternative Proposals
Undeterred, some lenders have suggested creative workarounds:
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“Afterlife Repayment Plan” – Cardinals could secure loans with a promise to repay “in the next life.”
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“Indulgence-Based Credit” – Forgiveness of debts in exchange for reduced time in Purgatory.
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“Papal Betting” – A Kampala-style sports betting pool on which cardinal will win, with odds adjusted daily based on “divine inspiration.”
Final Thoughts
While the Vatican remains stubbornly committed to “transparency” and “not being extorted,” Uganda’s financial innovators are undaunted. Plans are already underway to offer “emergency election loans” for the next Archbishop of Canterbury—just in case.
“After all,” one lender chuckled, “even men of God need a little push sometimes. And if they default? Well, let’s just say we have our own version of excommunication.”
#HolyLoans #PayOrPray #VaticanMissedOpportunity
