By our very dedicated (and slightly unhinged) reporter, Mpenzi Wamala
In a shocking turn of events, the left hand of local politician and musician Mathias Walukagga has come forward to share its harrowing tale of neglect and abuse during a recent press conference. The hand, which was allegedly injured during the Kawempe North By-Elections, claims it was subjected to “unimaginable torture” as Walukagga swung it around like a ragdoll while addressing the media at the NUP party offices.
UCN managed to secure an exclusive interview with the hand, which spoke to us through a series of interpretive gestures and Morse code taps on a nearby table. Here’s what it had to say:
UCN (KP): Thank you for speaking with us, Left Hand. We know this must be difficult for you. Can you tell us what happened during the press conference?
Left Hand (LH): [Taps furiously] Oh, where do I even begin? One minute, I’m wrapped up in this fancy bandage, minding my own business, and the next, I’m being flung around like I’m at a carnival! Mathias was holding a microphone in his right hand, and I guess he forgot I was even there. He swung me, he banged me on the table, and at one point, he even leaned on me like I was some kind of crutch! Do you know how much pressure that puts on a supposedly injured hand?
KP: That sounds traumatic. Did he show any remorse?
LH: Remorse? Ha! The man didn’t even flinch. He was too busy talking about how “brutal” the security forces were. Meanwhile, I’m over here, screaming internally, “Hello?! I’m supposed to be injured, remember?!” But no, he just kept going. I swear, if I had a voice, I would’ve yelled, “Stop the madness!”
KP: You mentioned being banged on the table. Can you elaborate on that?
LH: Oh, that was the worst part. He was making a point about “justice” or something, and suddenly—BAM!—I’m slammed onto the table. I mean, come on! If I were really injured, that would’ve been the end of me. But no, he just kept going, waving me around like I was some kind of prop. I felt so used.
KP: Do you think the injury was… exaggerated?
LH: [Pauses dramatically] Look, I’m just a hand. I don’t want to get into politics. But let’s just say, if I were really in pain, I wouldn’t be able to do half the things he made me do during that press conference. I mean, he even gestured with me while talking about “human rights.” The irony!
KP: What would you like to say to Mathias Walukagga?
LH: Mathias, if you’re reading this, please, for the love of all that is holy, give me a break! If you’re going to fake an injury, at least commit to the bit. And maybe, just maybe, consider using your right hand for the dramatic table banging next time. I’ve been through enough.
As we wrapped up the interview, the left hand let out a weary sigh (or at least we think it did—it’s hard to tell with hands) and requested a moment of silence for all the body parts abused in the name of political theatrics.
UCN: Where the news is fake, but the laughs are real.
In a dramatic twist to the ongoing saga of Mathias Walukagga’s “injured” left hand, the Uganda Police Force has announced the launch of a full-scale investigation into what is now being dubbed the “Hand-Gate” scandal.
Police spokeperson, Martin Opio, held a press conference earlier today, stating, “We have received numerous complaints from concerned citizens and, frankly, from the hand itself. The allegations of injury fraud and hand abuse are serious, and we will not rest until we get to the bottom of this.”
The police have called upon witnesses to come forward with any evidence that could help pin Walukagga. “If you saw him swinging that hand like a lasso, banging it on tables, or using it to gesture wildly during his press conference, we want to hear from you,” said Opio. “No detail is too small. Did he wince in pain? Did he forget which hand was supposedly injured? We need to know.”
Social media has already erupted with reactions, with hashtags like #JusticeForLeftHand and #HandGate trending nationwide. One Twitter user quipped, “If that hand could talk, it would’ve pressed charges by now.”
Meanwhile, Walukagga has dismissed the investigation as a “witch hunt,” claiming, “My hand and I are victims of political persecution. This is just an attempt to silence me.”
But the left hand, in a follow-up interview with UCN, had a different take: “Finally, someone is taking this seriously. I’ve been through enough. Let justice be served.”
The police have set up a dedicated hotline for tips and are offering a reward for any video evidence of Walukagga’s alleged hand antics. So, if you were at the NUP party offices or have any footage of the press conference, now is the time to speak up.
As the investigation unfolds, one thing is clear: this is one scandal that won’t be swept under the rug. Or, as the left hand put it, “The truth will come out—one tap at a time.”
*UCN: Where even the hands have a voice.*
