KAMPALA — Uganda Police Force’s recently released monthly crime report has incensed ccriminals across Uganda who have come forward to dispute the findings, claiming they have been “on their best behavior” over the past few months and accusing the police of “exaggerating” their activities.
The report, which highlighted a spike in theft, fraud, and cybercrime, has been met with outrage from the criminal community, who argue that their efforts to “lay low” and “take a break” have been completely ignored.
“This is an absolute injustice,” said a self-proclaimed pickpocket who identified himself only as “Slick Fingers.” “I haven’t even stolen a single phone since January. I’ve been focusing on my side hustle—selling counterfeit airtime. But does the police report mention that? No!”
Slick Fingers isn’t alone. A group of burglars, who requested anonymity to avoid “unnecessary attention,” released a joint statement claiming they’ve been “practicing social distancing” from people’s homes and businesses. “We’ve been staying indoors, watching Netflix, and only going out for essential activities like buying milk and bread,” the statement read. “The police are making us look bad.”
Even cybercriminals have joined the fray, accusing the police of inflating their numbers. “We’ve been very considerate lately,” said a hacker who goes by the alias “Firewall Phantom.” “I only hacked two emails last month, and both were just to remind people to change their passwords. If that’s a crime, then I guess I’m guilty of being helpful.”
The Uganda Police Force, however, remains unmoved. “We stand by our report,” said a police spokesperson. “Just because criminals are claiming to be ‘reformed’ doesn’t mean we’re going to ignore the facts. Crime is crime, whether they’re stealing or just ‘borrowing indefinitely.’”
Meanwhile, the public has been left scratching their heads. “I don’t know who to believe anymore,” said Kampala resident Nakato Kiggundu. “First, the police say crime is up, then the criminals say it’s not. It’s like watching two drunk uncles argue at a family gathering.”
In a surprising show of solidarity, some criminals have even offered to help the police improve their reporting. “We’re willing to sit down with them and provide accurate data,” said Slick Fingers. “Maybe even a PowerPoint presentation. But they have to stop making us look like the bad guys all the time.”
As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: the criminals of Uganda are determined to clear their names, even if it means admitting to lesser crimes. “We’re not perfect,” said Firewall Phantom, “but we’re trying. And that’s what counts, right?”
For now, the Uganda Police Force has declined to comment further, except to remind the public to “lock their doors, change their passwords, and maybe avoid carrying too much cash—just in case.”
Stay tuned to UCN for more updates on this developing story. And remember, if a stranger offers to sell you airtime at a discount, it might just be Slick Fingers trying to make an honest living.
*Disclaimer: This is a satirical article. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental (or is it?).*
