Kampala. Unable to gather any clues about the recent mind boggling murders in the country from its intelligence agencies, the Uganda Police has decided to use its most trusted tool to tackle the murders – bribe.
The Police plans to bribe murderers into giving them clues about the next murder victim(s) so that the “alert” police can avert it.
“We are already in talks with murderers all over Uganda especially from Kayunga and Rakai Districts regarding this,” a police official on condition of anonymity said.
When this UCN reporter questioned this Police Officer as to how the police will get so much money to bribe all murderers in the country, he replied with a wry smile: “It’s very simple. We shall accept more bribes from the Ugandan people from now on, and then transfer the same to the murderers. You can call it Direct Bribe Transfer (DBT), you see? Don’t worry, we have recently resolved not to waste the tax payer’s money anymore!”
The official went on to explain the other benefits of the proposed plan: “Murderers have more info about other murderers than our intelligence agencies .. you zig?. So this plan is like removing a thorn with a thorn .. just like that!.”
However, most of the murderers around the country are incensed and have refuted the Ugandan Police’s claims. “What the *beep* does Kayihura think of us? Some traffic policemen on highways or some dirty politicians? Let me tell you one thing, We are all united!” said a visibly angry murderer in Rakai district.
But the police official claims that some murderers especially in Kampala are ready to accept the police offer. One broke murderer on William street claims this is indeed true. “See, we have killed so many people in Uganda. But you Kampala people are least bothered about it. You are so happily watching the English Premiership or Kimansulo. Those days, you used to organize candle light dinnermarches and yell your lungs out during funerals. Now days you are not even doing that. Because of this, we are steadily losing morale and money with no gain whatsoever. So we’ve decided to take the police’s offer and divulge ko some details of our next murder victim … You dig?”
When our UCN asked this murderer whether he wants his name to be kept anonymous to protect his identity from the Ugandan intelligence, he just said, “Nva maaso!”.
The members of the opposition in parliament have scoffed at the idea and see this as a ploy by the police to justify the bribes they take. “This idea sucks, the murderers will not disclose anything to the police hence no progress”, a member from the FDC said.
When asked about the progress the police has made in its new endeavor, a beaming police official said, “You people doubted us with this. But we already have made a significant breakthrough! The murderers have disclosed the place there going to attack next!”
Our curious reporter asked the official which place was it; to which he replied – “Uganda!”
